1. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional
and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away
with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is
forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission
and he, in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. If you own a sleep sofa or live on the second floor it is pizza and beer. If you own a sleep sofa and live on the second floor it shall be eaten inside a restaurant. If you are over 35 years old hire some movers you cheap bastard.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal
pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all the law
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be
able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight,you
must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to
think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit
back and enjoy.
24.Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weightlifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
" Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
25. If the breasts are fake you can stare all you want. The poor girl paid for ten thousand dollars worth of attention and dammit we are going to give it to her.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations,
a nod is all the conversation you need.
29.If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not
join him...too gay.
30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must
attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in
the eye,and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of
31.The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just friends"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was.
32.Threesomes are girl-guy-girl only. No swordfighting allowed.